I moved out today. As I did I stupidly slammed the door. I got a tone
i don't want to give myself excuses. but Azad is so kind to me. But I haven't not given to him. I have given to him too and he said it today. I stood with him and helped him. I translated for him and drove him. I don't say this to give myself a pat on the back. I feel like I'm so bad that I need to accept any evidence that I'm not as bad as I have sometimes allowed myself to accept about myself.
is there anything good in me. No. But Christ is in me. I don't always let Him show. But He's in me. even when I was going through the torment today with. S. I felt HIs peace enfold me. I went to Hope Chapel hoping the pastor was there.
I want to be held and embraced.
and consoled. I think maybe God is doing that through Azad
when I got to the studion today Azad said "I will see you tonight. He welcomed me
his anger towards me reminded me of r. anger towards me. it was ceaselsess it seemed. maybe he loved me more sincerely than I loved him.
i shouldn't have slammed the door. God has done so much for me. Father I'm sorry. Do You get this hurt by me?
he said awful things about me. I agreed with it all. i apologized so many times.
I thought about Paul. One time I told him I wanted to be his best friend. HE said he couldn't say that I was. This freed my heart. It was disappointing but it showed me where I stand and I accepted it and we remained very good friends for years. He even once pointed to me when a song came on "even the best of friends." surely aware of that talk we had a few years earlier.
he gave me value with his honesty but somewhere along the line I didn't take up the mantle of manhood as I should. I kept floundering and I still am -- the p, the backsliding, the rock n roll, how honest do i have to be.
i think i could be more than i am. I should be a pastor but i know they'll ask about the internet.
azads love for me is so innocent and pure. when was i like that.
why am i not like that now
Father be with S. help him. You did everything so well and perfect to hold me through this so that I wouldn't end it like this. I blew it. Forgive me FAther please.
the strangeness of things. Dr. T. said she wanted to go with me today but doesn't respond to my texts or calls after she gave me 2,000. she is dealing with her situation.
last night i didn't get to play at open mike. it felt like a rebuke. i put the name Steve on the list instead of Husein. Someone named steve played in my place. I was gracious and said that what Steve played was great and I would play the next time. I went and got my guitar. Steve said as I was getting my guitar "hang around." I got my guitar and left. Crystal was kind and disappointed that I didn't play.
I greeted the other ARab guy who played. He was amazing and walked out.
bad I should have hung around.
Coulda, shoulda, woulda
I'm at Az. now. in the room here.
got foreigner's song The Damage is Done on my mind the great guitar riff...that leads into "there have been rumors...."
I prayed with Azad before comign to bed.
Ala and his mother came over to help with Azad's computer. I was wearing pajamas. Ala recognized me from Al Fady. He knew my programs were in English. the mother asked me if I was still with S. I said I moved to Orange
I did my program today and it was great. I was going to do it about the disjointed letters but when I got to office I saw that congreswwomen were sworn in on Thomas Jefferson's quran. I did the show about that. Was fascinating with stuff about the Barbary Pirates and so on.
are we all sick? maybe i'm better off than i think
in America we all get names for our sicknesses, even if we're not sick.
I went to see Dr. Bui today and he said I'm clear and don't even need to see the surgeon because there's nothing. he said i just need to go to Dr. Lee and then go see Dr. Bui in a year.
halleluya
it's like i was given my life back.
i don't want to waste it like i have been Father. help me
i don't want to give myself excuses. but Azad is so kind to me. But I haven't not given to him. I have given to him too and he said it today. I stood with him and helped him. I translated for him and drove him. I don't say this to give myself a pat on the back. I feel like I'm so bad that I need to accept any evidence that I'm not as bad as I have sometimes allowed myself to accept about myself.
is there anything good in me. No. But Christ is in me. I don't always let Him show. But He's in me. even when I was going through the torment today with. S. I felt HIs peace enfold me. I went to Hope Chapel hoping the pastor was there.
I want to be held and embraced.
and consoled. I think maybe God is doing that through Azad
when I got to the studion today Azad said "I will see you tonight. He welcomed me
his anger towards me reminded me of r. anger towards me. it was ceaselsess it seemed. maybe he loved me more sincerely than I loved him.
i shouldn't have slammed the door. God has done so much for me. Father I'm sorry. Do You get this hurt by me?
he said awful things about me. I agreed with it all. i apologized so many times.
I thought about Paul. One time I told him I wanted to be his best friend. HE said he couldn't say that I was. This freed my heart. It was disappointing but it showed me where I stand and I accepted it and we remained very good friends for years. He even once pointed to me when a song came on "even the best of friends." surely aware of that talk we had a few years earlier.
he gave me value with his honesty but somewhere along the line I didn't take up the mantle of manhood as I should. I kept floundering and I still am -- the p, the backsliding, the rock n roll, how honest do i have to be.
i think i could be more than i am. I should be a pastor but i know they'll ask about the internet.
azads love for me is so innocent and pure. when was i like that.
why am i not like that now
Father be with S. help him. You did everything so well and perfect to hold me through this so that I wouldn't end it like this. I blew it. Forgive me FAther please.
the strangeness of things. Dr. T. said she wanted to go with me today but doesn't respond to my texts or calls after she gave me 2,000. she is dealing with her situation.
last night i didn't get to play at open mike. it felt like a rebuke. i put the name Steve on the list instead of Husein. Someone named steve played in my place. I was gracious and said that what Steve played was great and I would play the next time. I went and got my guitar. Steve said as I was getting my guitar "hang around." I got my guitar and left. Crystal was kind and disappointed that I didn't play.
I greeted the other ARab guy who played. He was amazing and walked out.
bad I should have hung around.
Coulda, shoulda, woulda
I'm at Az. now. in the room here.
got foreigner's song The Damage is Done on my mind the great guitar riff...that leads into "there have been rumors...."
I prayed with Azad before comign to bed.
Ala and his mother came over to help with Azad's computer. I was wearing pajamas. Ala recognized me from Al Fady. He knew my programs were in English. the mother asked me if I was still with S. I said I moved to Orange
I did my program today and it was great. I was going to do it about the disjointed letters but when I got to office I saw that congreswwomen were sworn in on Thomas Jefferson's quran. I did the show about that. Was fascinating with stuff about the Barbary Pirates and so on.
are we all sick? maybe i'm better off than i think
in America we all get names for our sicknesses, even if we're not sick.
I went to see Dr. Bui today and he said I'm clear and don't even need to see the surgeon because there's nothing. he said i just need to go to Dr. Lee and then go see Dr. Bui in a year.
halleluya
it's like i was given my life back.
i don't want to waste it like i have been Father. help me
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